To me, the fallen petals represent what has happened to our lives. And the ones that are face down are things that we can't do at all anymore. And the ones that are still face up are the ones we can still do... but at a price.. not like we used to be able to.
I took this picture after a rain storm and Fibro is the storm that has come thru all of our lives.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A Picture of Debra's Life

I have a disease which reminds me it is there each and every minute. It is called fibromyalgia but I am not so sure it is the only culprit. I ask myself every day what it is that plagues me and why. Energy is drained from every system I have and there is no life left except for some kind of existence. Most people don't believe it anyway and this makes it equally as emotionally miserable as the physical miseries. What can I say to describe this feeling? Nothing really. I cannot put it into words which make sense enough to explain it.

If I tried to explain it, I would describe the feeling I have now as the walking dead. What little bits of energy I have are spent just putting one foot in front of the other. Sleep is not the answer to the misery. Sleep is spent in the same discomfort as my waking hours and makes me feel even worse when I get out of bed.

Is there something out there or someone who can help me? Is there anything that will ever stop this miserable feeling I feel every moment? Am I living in some hell of my own? Is it meant to be that I suffer for the rest of my natural life?
Pain is there most of the time in various places or in every place imaginable. I turn over countless times during the night coming to some semiconscious state from the pain which occurs simply from laying on my mattress. I toss and turn all night. Some nights I cannot sleep hardly at all because my body refuses to shut down and go into the sleep mode. I have numbness and tingling which swings into my hands like a pendulum back and forth. It comes and goes at will.

I have balance and coordination problems and feel clumsy all the time. I am so tired of living this way every single minute of what is suppose to be life. I look like I am tattered and torn from some countless nights of drinking when I don't even drink. I feel worse than any hangover I ever had in my younger days. I cannot participate in my children's lives and be a mother. The only semblance of normalcy of the past days is achieved now with countless pills. Pills and more pills in order to try to function in some way. Without them the miseries take over my body full force. Many times now even with the pills it takes my body over.

I am tired of living tired. I am sick of living sick. I am depressed from the frustrations of existing in such a state.

No help in sight. No real fix to the problems. Just some existence which I must continue in order to keep going.
An FM patient

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